what i'd do without my diary!!

does this mean im a control freak??

 

 

 

 

I HOPE NOT

lol... lemme check my diary, i`ll get back to you!

so what if i didnt..

do any of my homework

didnt listen to what my employer told me to read

didnt email my manager

was supposed to buy new makeup

but bought clothes instead

was supposed to buy the special shampoo so i can dye my hair again

but i splurged on hats

so what?! WHATS IT TO YOU!! TELL ME WHATS IT TO YOU????

im the one that seeped under your skin and caused you to rethink your actions and wonder if you were real. im the one you dream of and wonder how'd it go wrong. im the one who gave u the smiles and the tears and all this anger. im the one who will cause you to lash out at future victims and retreat later on because you've remembered my bitter words. im the one who will last the test of time because i have something nobody else has; and u cant say the same for me. lastly im the one u struggle to remember and feign to forget but could never forget and will always remember no matter how hard you try to do otherwise.

and thats my perogative no matter how you spin the wheel.

looking through my shoe collection, the hideouse question of

"hey where did those pair of shoes go." has come to mind more than i would care to find comforting. in fact its not comforting at all i wanna know where the FUCK my shoes went!!!!!! They can't have gone far.

So now I have devised a list of shit i've lost in the past few years of being a legal adult. ENJOY

1) My Black Hoodie- pretty sure i left this one at my friends sisters boyfriends house never to be seen again

2) My Mariah Carey CD- #1's PRICELESS if you ask me! FUCK.. pretty sure i left this one in a hotel room

3) Flowery pumps- these shoes i lost in my own fucking house, how that happens dont ask. They were my faves too!!

4) Numerous black shoes: school shoes and work shoes, probs located in the bermuda triangle or possibly up my ass; i havent checked either places

5) Black Clutch - the absence of this number equated to many ruined outfits. I cant have a red clutch with a white shirt dress, what am i santa clause; i've recently replaced this item- NO GIRL SHOULD LIVE WITHOUT HER BLACK CLUTCH!!!!!!!!

6) Money, Phone, Makeup- These werent lost they were stolen by some whore. Quick reminder never leave ur bag unattended, even if you have a massive bf to back you up, sneaky bitches will still steal ur shit!

7) My Puffy Jacket- given to my bestfriend on her trip home; where it is now i cant be stuffed asking........

8) Accessories, to be more precise COUNTLESS accessories, left on club floors due to my intoxicated seizures; aka while dancing. Numerous necklaces have snapped due to leaning over toilet seats and throwing up the 7 red vodka cruisers that no girl with a tiny stomach like mine can keep down.

9) My eyeliners; okay i know i shouldnt take this out with me in my purse cos defs gonna fall out but geez i need it during the night its my sort of comfort blanket, if i put this shit on at 3am in the morning i can reassure myself i still look like the goddess i did at 10pm and not the prostitute whorish drunken whore that i am now! Having said that i think i dropped my eyeliner once and when i told the guy i was seeing that i had lost it- he sed he saw it on the floor. But he didnt pick it up for me. You guess right when you think we ended soon after; i still have the suspicion he kept the eyeliner for himself........................... now im having visions of him with eyeliner hahahaha

10) LAST BUT NOT LEAST: i think the most priceless item ive lost the past couple of years hands down; something i thought i couldnt live without... MY VIRGINITY. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA :) but thats me being brutally honest.

on that note i`ll leave u with the item that I MUST get this week:

MAYBELLINE INTENSE XXL MASCARA

today is one year. its funny how like when you are in a relationship things go slow, but when you're out of one the equivalent time goes so much quicker. I cant believe a year has passed, that this time last year I was ballin my eyes out. It's quite funny.

and yet parts of me are still so angry.

moving on.

i just want to know if people know how to balance their lives. like do you know how to effectively balance

- work

- study

- classes

- friends

- lovers

- family

- errands

cos seriously. this is the first time in my adult existence that i have decided to take responsibility for my actions. and at first i was doing good with it all. actually to tell the truth; doing good and being happy actually just meant keeping up a healthy social life; at the expense of my studies. Then I shifter my focus to work and working long hours at the expense of my studies. and now i have managed to incorporate into my focus my studies (surprised i can) and its at the expense of my friends. This is taking its toll on me. All I see is my boyfriend. My other friends I havent seen in months. and when i do have a chance to see them something always comes up. I hope they aren't mad because seriously not planned. So burnt out lately.

And for what; money in the bank.. and D's and HD's on a piece of paper to validate the impulse and electric currents in my brain; and to certify that these have been to good use.

 

Sometimes I think that I could just simply be a ditz. You know get a retail job and a night job. Earn money to get clothes and I'll be happy. Or like just get an admin job. Ok maybe not. But still you know. I dont like using my brain, it hurts. I know it's there and it works i just dont like the idea of using it when I can half ass my way and get a similar effect.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, but the point is:

D's and HD's are good. But what about me?

GET IT??

lol. sitting in class today, bored out of my brain. I'm studying journalism and yet the tutor is talking about internet and the effects it has on health communication. FAR OUT? is there like a discpline or analysation of every thing on this planet. Soon we're gonna have subjects on post it notes or pens and highlighters, the study of pens.. haha that'll be the day. "How they revolutionized writing."

OMFG im so sick and tired of studying. I'm so tired of assignments and essays and sociology and orals. F OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Not to mention work. The doctor says that having a social life, working and uni is enough to make anyone exhausted. Then he told me theres nothing he can perscribe to make me feel better. He suggested a brisk walk when I got home from work and uni to relieve stress. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Me walking, when there's no reward or purpose. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are there such trials and tribulations, man I wish I was in the 70's where journalists didn't have to have a degree to write. HOW FUCKEN HARD is it to learn to write a specific way, chase down sources and write about events. TELL ME!!!!

Whats funny is that after you learn all this bullshit theory; there's still practical experience to pass. Why cant it all be integrated into one. And tell me why THE FUCK i have to learn about stupid shit like doctors and the negative outcomes of the internet. DONT YOU KNOW...... I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell im quite the grump rite now. BITE ME!

xoxo

 

and getting on and forgetting that life is like living through one hundred deaths. oneday you are this and in a yr.. u are new. different from before. all things are temporary!

thank you. u challenged me to overcome the mediocrity u presented to me as happiness.you thought id be a slave to your inflections. it was good to think i was the victim of you, but really i was only a victim of my own naivity. and none of this was ur fault. i was believing in words not actions to get me through the day. and long after it was done it was sealed and mailed away i sat and waited for something to heal; but i learnt something through it all- oneday you will look back on memories and pray to god you could still touch them but realise that decisions have brought u so far from what has been that you can hardly remember why u disputed the comfort in the first place. and now you are fighting against a future you thought was right so long ago harnessing a wounded ego where loneliness overshadows all your ideals and spirit and even these no longer seem remotely significant as they once were before. and at which point you realise that i render the words i told you so but do not whisper them into ur ear, but let it go into the night. watch the stars and moon fade into the sunrise. watch the walls of your prison built around me diminish into nothing and i can breathe once more. only to find that you my friend, regret everything till the very last breath. but i am finally free and all i can say to u is that i feel sympathy for u. for never understanding the possibility of your choices and the complexity of what has come, what will come and what should have been. time passes and it seems like it was just a dream, but even as i wake.. live my life day to day.....there some memories that never seem to go away.

 

HEY ITS OKKKKK.....

To:

1. Not act your age all the time (it's good for the soul).

2. Watch your boss spend all day with spinach in their teeth.. and not say a word.

3. Understand the subtle difference between 10 shades of red nail polish, and be proud of it.

4. Hold a grudge for at least a decade.

5. Spend a fortune on a top, only to find it a year later at the bottom of your cupboard with the tag still attached.

6. Spend all your weeks earning on a new outfit for a night out with the girls

7. Actually think that a new mascara will solve everything.

8. Believe the most powerful force in the universe is GOSSIP :)

10. Love being able to tell people, 'I told you so....'

11. Lie to the police. "Wow officer, was I really going that fast?".

12. Nod and pretend to know what the intellectual discussion was about then read up on it later on; then try to subtly bring it back into conversation at a later date.

13. Not spend every holiday away with your partner -girls-only gateaways are healthy.

14. Filrt with your ex and not feel guilty, hahah.

15. Secretly find whoopee cushions, dogs wearing glasses and old people swearing hilarious.

16. Still love the colour pink even if your not a kid or a teenager!

17. Love that Guess, Chanel, Prada, Gucci Handbag like it was your own flesh and blood.

18. Blame your exes or your current boyfriend for any sort of problem in your life ;)

19. Eat breakfast in your car on the way to work, swerving schwerving- i dont care if I am JUST get out of my way.

20. Find that your shoe collection is larger than your book collection!

 

ITS OK!